And this covenant comes with a lot of fine print. All in truly means all in, and that includes more than we often realize.
Each time we pull a piece of ourselves out of the covenant—whether out of selfishness, self-protection, or thin-skinned reactions—our spouse senses it. At first, it’s a veil, barely noticeable. Over time, it becomes a wall. Inch by inch, the distance grows.
Sometimes, the distance has a name. It can fall into the well-known basket of sins: lying, withholding, manipulating, defrauding—even cheating.
Sometimes, the thing between us lurks like a shadow in the dark for years. Then, one day, it is discovered—or confessed. Confession always does less damage than exposure. But either way, once the ugliness is on the table like an unpaid bill no one wants to claim, two things must happen: forgiveness and the rebuilding of trust.
I won’t delve too deeply into the theology of forgiveness. I’ll simply point to the ultimate authority on the matter:
"If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you."
— Matthew 6:14-15
What I do want to explore is the rebuilding of trust.
You won’t regain trust by stalking an unfaithful spouse. That will only give you an ulcer before it gives you peace.
You won’t regain trust by digging for every untold secret, demanding the most explicit details. That will only erode your faith in humankind before it satisfies your need for answers. Remember the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the garden? That knowledge didn’t bring life.
So, what does?
Trust is rebuilt like stepping stones placed in a rushing river. Both partners must lay the stones—one step at a time. The betrayed spouse must voice what they need to feel safe again. The one who broke trust must humble themselves, commit to change, and prove over time that they are willing to protect the heart of their spouse.
A conversation might sound like this:
"Honey, I want your trust, but I have blown it. Tell me what you need."
"I need to know you understand why you got emotionally involved with that co-worker and what you will do differently to ensure it never happens again."
"I don’t have that answer yet. I don’t even fully know myself. But I promise to do the work until I do."
Six counseling sessions later...
"Honey, I’ve done some deep work. Here’s what I learned: I crave affirmation, especially when someone finds me intelligent. I also like to be needed. This co-worker made me feel uniquely capable, and I was too drawn to that. I now realize I need to work in teams, not one-on-one with male colleagues. My counselor helped me build confidence in who I am so that I’m not so dependent on outside approval. Also, I’ve requested a transfer. I know that maintaining any contact with this person would not be fair to you—or to us."
